If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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