i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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