He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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