I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.