Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
