You can't motorboat a personality
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
