the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
