i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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