I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
