Can Purell be used as lube?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
