I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
