So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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