I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
