ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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