I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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