if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
