peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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