woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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