I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
