Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
