My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
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You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
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I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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