Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
