i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
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My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
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Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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