a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
