i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
