Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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