I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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