This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
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Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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