we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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