I can text with my tongue
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
