I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure