remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.