When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
