When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
