I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
