I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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