Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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