There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
