Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
