just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
