i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
