You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
