If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
