I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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