im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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