At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
