and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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