Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
