I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Welp...herpes.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
