I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
