I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
