Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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