I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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