Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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