Your face is a jimmy john
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
