i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
