you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wear drunk well.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
