I faked an abortion last night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
