Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
